


we'll take it slow

by artsyleo



Series: comfortember 2020 [11]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Army, Boys In Love, Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Remembrance Day, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:13:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27515887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: comfortember prompt day 11 - ptsdcallum struggles on remembrance day, and ben's there to support him
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: comfortember 2020 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995826
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	we'll take it slow

**Author's Note:**

> tw for talk of ptsd, war, minor character death (chris), panic attacks

By the time Ben’s pulled himself out of bed, into Callum’s dressing gown (it’s softer, sue him) and downstairs, he’s just about awake enough to process the fact that there’s a note of paper on the counter. He’d clocked Callum’s disappearance from their bed already, assuming that he was either in the bathroom or downstairs already, given his insane habit of actually getting up early without effort- although Ben will take pride in saying that that’s been a much less frequent occurrence since they moved in. He’s looked though, and Callum’s nowhere to be seen, and he’s panicking until he sees the note, elegant scrawl in black pen- 

_ Gone out for a walk, I’ll bring something back for breakfast <3 _

He tries not to let it worry him, but it does- just a little flare at the back of his mind, the thing that's almost a constant when Callum goes out unexpectedly. Ben knows, realistically, that Keanu’s long gone by now, having had his revenge, but those days left wondering alone have their impact on him from time to time. He’s never told Callum, too afraid of admitting what he thinks is weakness but it’s been there, all this time. He reads the note over and over a few times, reassuring himself that it’s definitely Callum’s handwriting, before putting it down and starting the kettle. 

Callum will be fine. He’s just gone for a walk. He takes a deep breath, and comforts himself with the smell of Callum in the dressing gown he’s wearing because there’s no one around to see it. 

-

He’s just settled Lexi in front of the television with her breakfast when the back door pushes open, morning light cutting through it into the artificial light of the kitchen, since he hasn’t bothered to open the blinds on the window yet. Callum steps in and closes the door behind him with a sigh, and puts a small brown bag down on the counter. 

When he turns back around, Ben notices it straight away- the way his eyes look tired, a hint of panic in them that makes Ben’s chest tighten. His smile is small and careful, like he doesn’t even have the energy to make it more convincing, or maybe he just doesn’t want to. 

_ Morning, _ he signs, hands careful.  _ Brought you breakfast.  _

“Ooh, thanks babe, smells great,” Ben says. “You okay? Where did you get to?” 

“Just, uh,” Callum hesitates, as if there’s something he wants to say, but isn’t sure if he should.  _ Woke up early. Couldn’t settle.  _

“You sure?” Ben asks carefully, coming away from the counter where he’s leaning to come around the table and reach out a hand to Callum, who just sighs, his eyes drifting closed as he falls back to lean against the wall. 

_ Had a nightmare, _ he signs, and the worry that’s settled in Ben’s stomach rears up, making his breath hitch just slightly. Callum must catch his eyes, because he carries on a second later.

_ Not too bad, just caught off guard, _ Callum signs, smiling a little again as if it’s supposed to be some reassurance to Ben, but it’s not, not when Callum’s eyes still look as panicked as they did when he came in the door. 

“There’s more,” Ben says gently, reaching out a hand which Callum takes momentarily, fingers interlacing and Ben’s thumb coming to stroke over his knuckles before he pulls away again to sign. 

_ Remembrance day,  _ Callum signs.  _ Today.  _

Suddenly, it all makes more sense, and Ben’s scolding himself for not remembering it sooner. What with lockdown, he’s lost track of most of the dates but he should have remembered this, should have known it would get to Callum. 

“Oh, baby,” Ben whispers, reaching out for Callum’s hand again. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t think- I should have said something.” 

“It’s fine,” Callum replies, and that little smile is back as he takes Ben’s hand, interlacing fingers. “Didn’t think it would get to me like this.” 

“Everything’s worse this year,” Ben says, and it at least gets a little laugh out of Callum. “You don’t have to feel bad about it, okay? We can do whatever you want today, however you want to deal with it. 

Callum doesn’t hesitate.  _ The memorial for the silence,  _ he signs.  _ If that’s okay.  _

“Of course,” Ben smiles, and leans forward to press a kiss to Callum’s cheek. 

-

Just before 11, the two of them head out of the empty house, out into the square. Lexi’s out at school, so they’ll come back to an empty house too, because Ben’s not too sure how Callum’s going to react to this. They’ve been cuddled up on the sofa most of the morning, and he’s been quiet. Ben’s not pushed, but he’s worried, and he’s sure Callum’s noticed it. 

Regardless, Callum keeps a hold of his hand when they walk around the square, hosts of people going about their own days. When they get round there, there’s one or two groups of people standing in front of the memorial, huddled close together against the cold wind blowing through. They stop close together too, nearer to the memorial so that the names are clearer. There’s none on there that he recognises personally, but he knows that if he looked back far enough, there would be someone, or a few people that could be. He knows that Callum’s grandfather, who he speaks so highly of, would be on there had Callum grown up around here. But Ben’s almost sure that that’s not the only thing on his mind right now as his eyes trace the names carved in front of them. 

They’ve had the conversation about Callum’s army days - about Chris - a while ago, back in August when he’d woken up from a nightmare on a seemingly normal day. Ben knows at least some of what the other man had meant to Callum, and just how much his death had cut him up, especially since he’d been with Whitney at the time. It’s a feeling Ben’s all too familiar with, losing someone when it feels like there’s so much more that you could have done for them. He gets it, and it breaks his heart that Callum understands it too. The memory comes back to him of that conversation, and he holds Callum’s hand a little tighter. 

Soon, a bell rings through the square, making Callum jump slightly next to him. It’s silent, bar the whistling wind, and even the people in the Vic and the Albert down the road have gone quiet. It fills him with just a little bit of pride- sure, Walford might be a bit of a hellhole half of the time, but they come together when it matters. 

When the distant bell rings again, people start to move around a little, warming up now-cold hands. The noise filters in slowly, and most of the people around them near the memorial lean into each other for comfort, or maybe just for warmth. Callum falls into him a second later, hand squeezing at his. 

“Can we go home?” he pulls away just slightly to say, panic in his voice and tears in his eyes, and Ben just nods, holding tighter to his hand. 

-

When they get back to the house, Callum falls into one of the kitchen chairs, a hand coming up to run through his hair. His breath keeps hitching and shaking, and Ben’s all too aware of what’s coming. He pushes the back door closed, then slips into the chair opposite Callum, reaching a hand across the table. 

“Hey, you’re okay I promise you, just focus on me,” he says quietly. Callum nods slightly but doesn’t look up- Ben knows he’s listening though, and knows to keep talking. 

“I’m really proud of you for getting through today, baby, you’re doing so well. Just breathe deep, it’s going to be okay.” 

“I didn’t though,” Callum says, finally looking up. “I didn’t g-get through it because this isn’t getting through it, having- having a fucking nightmare when I’m supposed to be an adult isn’t getting through it.” 

“Hey, listen to me,” Ben says, louder so that he knows Callum’s going to hear every word. “Just because those things happened doesn’t make you any less strong. You’ve been through so much, yeah? And the fact that you’re still going just shows how strong you are.” 

Callum looks at him like he doesn’t want to believe it, but Ben stares him down until he nods and connects their hands once again. Ben squeezes it, and Callum watches his deep breaths until his own start to settle. 

-

They find themselves in bed later, heads close on the pillows. 

Callum had fallen asleep almost as soon as they’d gotten into bed, the day exhausting him, and maybe it’s weird but Ben’s content to watch him sleep a little. It settles some of the worry that’s still in his chest from today to see Callum so relaxed. He knows that this isn’t the end of this, or anywhere near it- he knows that Callum’s maybe always going to have days like this, but Ben also knows that he’ll be here for every single one of them, as long as Callum will have him. 

**Author's Note:**

> again it's almost midnight that im posting this because i got distracted but its before midnight so it counts  
> anyways, comments and kudos mean the world to me, lots of love to you all today <3  
> leo x (tumblr is artsy-highway)


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